Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Circle the Sherpa, Purple.

6. What are you listening to right now?
human life pumpin a beat ass through my vibes

7. What’s one word to describe you?

12. What are you doing tomorrow?
job nobbing. that's what i call interviews. for jobs. it's funny.

13. What's your aim screen name?
suckle tush. ew. i can't believe i'm leaving that answer like that.

26. Favorite kind of blanket?
what ISN'T a blanket, really.

27. What's your biggest fear?
all the standard fears i guess. mouse burrowing inside my bellybutton. whispy ankle grabs. muppets in real life situations. et al.

29. What kind of soap do you use?
cran-butter antioxidant face wash with fused beaded scent renuwals

34. Name a song that reminds you of old memories?
"Rememories" by The Remembrants

35. What's the meanest thing you've ever said?
9-11 made Y2K look kinda shitass.

44. Biggest irony of the week?
Sounds like a canceled VH1 show.

45. Favorite instrument?
hickory whistles and wicker thistle whips

12. If you could change something in your life, what would it be?
i'd marry someone for money. guy or girl. i don't care. i'm broke. i just ate ramen noodles out of a hat.

13. What do you wear to bed?
bloomers and a Farside t-shirt with a picture of a diseased L train that says "Sick transit, Gloria."

14. Do you tend to make relationships complicated?
no. which is why, by the end, the guy forgets we're dating. we're sitting there playing xbox and suddenly he says, "HA! LEVEL 7 BABY! Cocksucker you owe me like three beers now. SIKE I MEAN 4. (belch) Hey hand me that porno mag I gotta drop a deuce. come on hand it over. you're the worst mom ever."

I'm Going To Hollywood!

Hi everybody!

Guess who's going to live in the big city on the Western Coast of these United States with all the gays and straights and russians?


I'm moving to LA this summer because I got a fancy internship (UNPAID THANK YOU VERY MUCH!) at a TV show. Now we all know how I always tell enormous lies about these types of bullshits, but this time the bullshits ON YOU! CAUSE I'M SERIOUSLY SERIOUS!

So why am I telling you this? Because I need your support. Financially, not emotionally. I'm starting a fund raiser today!!!

I'm coming out of retirement and giving haircuts for FREE! All you have to do is donate the suggested 10 dollar mandatory fee before you get the haircut!

It's that simple!

You don't have to donate, but if you don't I'll basically just make your hair look like Tony Shalhoub's hair in Men in Black. GOOGLE THAT REFERENCE! BOOYAH!

So, please help me raise money because rent is like 4800 dollars a week. And if you help, I'll mention your name in my Emmy acceptance speech when I'm famous.

michael's hams

Sunday, December 23, 2007

More Commercial Complaints

by Sarah

Yeah, I watch too much t.v., but what else do I have to do? Stare at the Wall? I've done that...How about I create a masterpiece? Done it.

So what else do I have to do besides staring at the computer and watching fucking Style network? So I keep seeing these chocolate commercials that look really good but the name of it is Lindt. Lindor, from Lindt, they keep saying. Reminds me of something I would pull out of Chuck's bellybutton. Because his is deeper than mine. And because of the hair and stuff it catches alot of LINDT.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

For Cavs Fans

by Sarah

“Listen carefully, Mr Parker” says a mysterious voice. “If you do not complete your mission you may just find yourself in a quite sticky predicament like our friend Mr. Prince over there.” Teshawn Prince is stuck to a board that is being lowered into a pit of boiling lava. Prince is sweating and pleading for his life. A hand pushes a button that sends the trap plummeting into the lava. Terrible screams are heard. “Yes sir.” Says Mr. Parker.

In a bedroom somewhere in the Caribbean, a couple is rolling around in bed together. A pager goes off and a hand reaches up to get it. “Sorry honey, but I’m afraid our time must be cut short. I’ll get a taste of that crab later. He looks around for his giant Nike’s. As the man is getting dressed, the woman is reaching for something under the mattress and slowly sneaking up behind him. He whips around and uses his tie to knock the gun out of her hand and he puts it around her neck and pulls her violently close to him. His face is pressed against hers. She is shaking. “Nice try honey but you’re forgetting who you’re dealing with. The name’s LeBOND, LeBOND JAMES.” He kisses her passionately and then knocks her out with his gun and pushes her back on the bed.

Music starts.
LeBond is in an office talking to M. (mike brown)
“Good work 0023, that sassy woman was no doubt working for The Spurs. Our operatives have found out their new plan. They have stolen a machine that will turn Tony Parker into a huge celebrity. He’s already planned to marry Eva Longoria and he’s cutting a rap album, all which will increase his influence over the public. Once he has their attention he plans to use the machine to brainwash the entire world. We suspect this machine will be set off at the wedding, which is a just a charade to mask the Spurs’ evil plans. This machine will not only make Tony Parker the most popular basketball player in world, it will also make the Spurs richer and more dangerous. If Tony Parker gains that much fame it will brainwash the entire world into giving mental energy to help the Spurs win, and we can’t have them gaining that much power. You must stop the wedding of Eva Longoria and Tony Parker!”
M pushes the intercom while putting on chapstick “The Q, come in here please, “turning to Lebond, “We’ve made something special for you this time Lebond, you may need it.

The Q brings in a duffel bag. He takes out a magazine. “This,” The Q points to an issue of US weekly “this is no normal tabloid. If opened it will explode. This basketball, if activated this way, becomes a personal helicopter. There is also a very special drink in there. You may need these.”

Lebond arrives at the Spurs training headquarters and finds Tony Parker dribbling a ball in a dark basketball court. There is only a sliver of dusty light coming through a long window. “Good evening Mr. Parker. Care to play a little one on one?” Tony Parker grunts and throws the ball quickly at Lebond. “Nice try at crippling me last season, James. But it didn’t work did it? As you can probably guess, I have too much public power for that. I’ll never be hurt.” Lebond runs past Parker and dunks over him. As soon as he touches the rim a metal clamp comes down over his hand.
“You sneaky little bastard I should have known you would do something like this.” Parker laughs maniacally as Lebond is still hanging from the hoop. “I’d better go now, I’m late for my wedding.” The ceiling is slowly lowering above Lebond, and he realizes that there is a large metal spike coming towards him.
“Oh, one thing before you leave, Parker. If I could have one last drink? Will you pass me that Gatorade in my case?”
“Well I suppose I won’t deny a man his Gatorade. Parker throws the drink up to him and runs off. Lebond quickly opens the Gatorade and a giant knife comes out. He starts sawing the contraption off, but the spike is approaching fast.

Meanwhile Eva Longoria is in her getting her hair and makeup done in her bridal chambers. “More makeup! Cake it on! I don’t want any of my real face showing. Time magazine better fucking be out there like I told them to. I want all the tabloids on this.”
Outside the chamber a waiter is carrying in a tray, but before he can get there he is knocked out with a basketball. Lebond quickly changes into the waiter uniform and brings the drinks inside.
“Your champagne Miss Longoria.” Eva grabs the glass and throws it against the wall.
“You’re late! And your clothes look like shit! They’re way too small! I can’t have anyone making me look bad!” Her makeup is starting to sweat off and Lebond shrinks back, shielding his eyes. The effect is similar to pepper spray, and his eyes are sealed shut. Eva is destroying the room.
“Wait…Miss Longoria! I have an issue of Us weekly you need to see.” She stops dead in her tracks and perks up. “Yeah, you’re in it. There’s a whole story about you and Tony’s wedding.” He reaches for the magazine.
“Show me!” she says.
“Open it yourself. I can’t see.”
Eva opens the magazine and it explodes in her face. Lebond runs out but meets Tony Parker in the hallway. “You can’t ruin my wedding, James.” Tony Parker grabs Teri Hatcher and holds her at gunpoint. I’m still going to marry a celebrity, and there are plenty of those here. If you thought killing Eva would stop my wedding, you were wrong. This wedding will go on and the machine will be fed. You’ll never win another game against me again!”
Lebond regroups and forms a new plan. He walks out into the castle. There are cameras everywhere while Tony Parker is escorting Teri Hatcher down the aisle. Lebond is now in his Cavs uniform and starts running down the aisle, spinning around with a basketball and performing amazing jumps. He throws a grenade towards the alter which releases a spring loaded basketball hoop. The media turns its attention to Lebond, who is diving over people and making shots with his back turned. Cameras are flashing. Parker becomes furious and must regain the media attention. He rips off his suit to reveal a Spurs uniform.
“I’ll not have you outshining me at my own wedding Lebond. Hand over that basketball.” Lebond throws it to him, after pressing a mysterious button on the ball. Tony Parker runs toward the basket and jumps. In midair the ball turns into a helicopter that shoots him up towards the ceiling. It blasts him through the skylight and away.

Good work, Lebond. Says M., who is there disguised as a reporter. He hands Lebond a Martini glass filled with Gatorade, then applies chapstick. Lebond drinks it down and grabs the nearest Teri Hatcher. “I’m not coming to work tomorrow M. I’ve caught a little bug. He makes out with her and then picks her up and carries her out. “Who are you?” she asks.
“LEBOND, JAMES Lebond. Lebond JAMES.”
(music starts)
The end

Sunday, December 16, 2007

My Baby

by Crystal

Everyone at the roller rink was touching my baby on her face. Maybe thats how they get dimples! She is named Faith Hill. Then suddenly, yellow starting leaking out her tongue ring hole in her tongue.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Don't Buy This

YUCK. This is the worst commercial ever. I've never heard anyone ever ask for Disoronno let alone on the rocks. The woman is a freak and that icecube is enormous. One time I went to the bar and shoved an ice cube in my mouth but it popped out.

Why don't these people just have me make thier commercials. I wouldn't put any cheesy nasty people in it or Bon Jovi lookalikes. I would have Vincent Gallo laying on a bed with Disaronno being poured over his nipples. Or Paul Reubens drinking it in a sexy movie theater.

It's obvious the lady is jut toying with shitty Bon Jovi to get a free drink. Forget about sucking on an ice cube and pawing at the bartender. If women really want free drinks they should do it the old fashioned way: PRETEND TO FAINT

It always works in old movies. The guys always make the ladies sit down and drink a shot of whiskey and say "get ahold of yourself." The next time you want a free drink you should cry and act hysterical until a man gives you whiskey. It's like the cure for everything, similar to aspirin, but it treats psychological problems too.

I tried the sucking on an ice cube thing and it didn't work. Crying at the bar? I got a shot of FREE WHISKEY.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Vincent Gallo Is Giving Me a Boner

by Sarah


If this commercial doesn't give you a boner there's probably something wrong with you.

I don't know what it is but I suddenly want to drink Belvedere Vodka... or maybe just pop a femmeboner